How to Create the Relationships We Want By Saying What We Need

It is inevitable that we will be disappointed or hurt by a friend or someone we love.  We often expect them to know what we want.  But what I’ve learned is that we can choose to create the relationships we want by letting people know what we want and need from them.

All too often, we grow up, as I have, with the belief that expressing our wants and needs is unwelcome or even forbidden.  At the same time, we know people are not mind readers.  And sharing what we need is an act of self-love and respect – not just for ourselves, but for our friends and loved ones.  If we just stay quiet without saying anything or vent to others instead, we’re far more likely to carry around resentment that eventually erodes the relationship.

But you can openly and honestly express yourself in a way that brings you closer and strengthens the relationship.  The first thing is to pause and get clear on what you really want to achieve.  Set the intention to respect what you need while respecting the other person in a way that acknowledges their importance in your life.

You might need to tell your partner, for example, “I don’t need you to fix or solve this for me; I just really need to vent right now, and listening would really help a lot.”

Or suppose your friend never seems to be around or doesn’t stick to making plans.  Instead of criticizing or blowing them off, you have another option – one that can bring you closer.  You might say you’ve noticed that they’ve been very busy and that you haven’t been able to spend time together and want them to know you miss them.

Or you can just come right out and say it – without accusing or criticizing.  For example, you might say that you’re sensing some distance and wanted to know if you’ve done anything to hurt or upset them.

These approaches allow you to share your experience and ask the other person what their thoughts are.  It’s not easy to confront someone when we’re angry or upset with something they did.  That’s why it’s so important to take that first moment to pause (and breathe) and focus on the outcome we want.

With regular practice, we can begin to experience greater self-respect and more rewarding relationships.

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