Phone: It is a univers
al human experience to have doubts about ourselves, to feel self-conscious, to compare ourselves to others, and to avoid feeling rejected.
But all our focus on being good enough can easily get in the way of connecting with others. When we perceive criticism, for instance, we can feel threatened and become defensive. We then can harshly judge others or even avoid relationships altogether.
In our more than ever polarized society, relationships are not valued, although we want and need relationships now more than ever. Sadly, our society doesn’t give us the skills we need to build and maintain strong relationships.
As a divorce and family lawyer for over 20 years and a child of divorce myself, I see the same reasons over and over again why couples divorce.
It’s when one or both people expect the other to meet their underlying emotional needs; and when they inevitably don’t – because no one person can do that – what results over time is bitterness, resentment, and loneliness.
And when couples stop communicating, they are driven farther and farther apart. It might start with critical remarks or disregarding a request, which in turn prompts you or your spouse to become defensive or to withdraw. This can become an ongoing cycle of criticism, verbal attacks, and withdrawing. Most often, it’s one spouse that wants the divorce while the other is often devastated.
I started wondering – what causes all this to begin with?
According to Terry Real, internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, author, and founder of the Relational Life Institute (RLI) in Arlington, MA, the crux of the difficulties couples experience is the playing out, in ways large and small of unresolved feelings of childhood, which includes pain, rawness, fright, and anger.
In Real’s latest book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, he reveals that there’s an adaptive child part in us that has no interest in intimacy; it’s wary, doesn’t like feeling vulnerable, and is preoccupied, above all, with self-protection. None of these traits, as he says, sustains a loving, trusting, relationship.
So, in the moment when you’re arguing with your spouse, you may very well be reverting back to your negative, childhood-based, self-protective state of being.
We can start by becoming aware of these reactive “parts” of ourselves. According to Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D., founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and author of over 50 books and articles on IFS, each of us wants our partner to take care of hurt “parts” of ourselves without knowing that we can actually take care of them ourselves.
IFS has evolved into a comprehensive approach for individuals, couples, and families and you can learn more about it here. According to Dr. Schwartz, how we relate to our own parts is how we relate to others who display those parts.
Real says that too often we get caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong. The truth is: “It doesn’t matter. “What matters is, how are we going to act like a team and make this work for the two of us? That’s what matters.” So let go of it.
Put yourself aside. Be generous.” He also suggests putting your focus on the subjective experience of your partner. “You cross over the bridge to his land. You empathize with where they’re at. It’s not about you. It’s about your partner.”
Once we can recognize our “parts” at work, when we are relating to each other as adaptive children relating to each other (which is not who we really are), we can be proactive, as Real suggests, by stopping ourselves in the moment, taking a breath, and changing course, which can literally transform our relationships.
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