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How many times in any given day do we have thoughts about people that are…well… less than ideal for a satisfying relationship?
Consider the thoughts we have all day long about the people in our lives that separates us from them. He’s an a–shole. She took advantage of me.
When we believe our thoughts, we feel and act in line with those beliefs.
Best-selling author Byron Katie is the founder of a powerful method of self-inquiry known as “The Work.” She has made it her mission to teach people how to end their own suffering.
While our relationships can provide us with support, friendship, and love, they can unfortunately also be the source of much suffering.
But “the Work” shows how it is not the people in our lives that cause us pain and suffering; it is the thoughts that we believe about the people. Even a thought in itself is harmless unless we believe it.
The Work enables us to examine – or challenge – a thought using a relatively straightforward process. You simply write down the stressful thought and then ask four questions about it to challenge it. You then “turnaround” the original thought. Here it is:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know it’s true?
- How do you react—what happens—when you believe that thought? How do you treat yourself? How do you treat others? Do you withdraw? Do you lash out? What emotions do you feel when you believe the thought?
- Who would you be without the thought? How would you feel if you weren’t even able to think this troubling thought?
Turn the thought around:
Then you “turnaround” the original thought to yourself, to the other, or to the opposite, trying each one on to see which fits best. For each, you would find three genuine, specific examples of how each turnaround might feel most true for you.
For example, let’s say I’m having the thought “he doesn’t care about me:”
1. Is it true? Yes, I can see from the way he doesn’t pay any attention to me or show that he really cares that it is true.
2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true? If I’m being honest, No.
3. How do I react when I believe the thought he doesn’t care about me? I might become angry or hurt and withdraw from him.
4. Who would I be without this thought he doesn’t care about me? I might feel free to be kind and compassionate towards him.
Turn the thought around – to yourself, to the other person, or the opposite.
Try each turnaround on:
- I don’t care about me: I don’t care about myself by not tending to what I need to feel good about myself. Or I don’t care about myself when I make him my enemy.
- I don’t care about him : when I feel hurt, I don’t care how he feels. I only care how I feel when he acts towards me like that.
- He cares about me: I can immediately bring to mind specific examples of times that show he really does care. He might just be caught up in his own emotions right now.
This shows how using turnarounds can really help you loosen your grip on believing the thought – so much so that it completely dissolves.
You can learn more about the Work of Byron Katie and download the worksheet to practice this powerful tool to transform and strengthen your relationships.
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