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Disagreements arise as a natural consequence of differences in perceptions that we have with others. Whether it’s a romantic partner, friend, sibling, colleague, or co-worker, we each have different life and emotional experiences that form our perceptions of people and events now.
Basically, we have what this article calls naive realism – believing that the way we see the world is the way that it really is; naive realism is the feeling that our perception of the world reflects the truth. In other words, we see what we want to see, especially when what we’re seeing is unclear. Our brains seek out the need for certainty by filling in gaps in information to meet our prior experiences and emotions.
Disagreements are an inevitable, normal, and healthy part of relating to one another. When you and someone else disagree, it is about the “something”, not about each other.
Conflicts, on the other hand, arise when disagreements have escalated to where one or both of you are now making assumptions about the other that are accompanied by strong negative emotions.
Conflict tends to involve yelling, accusing, interrupting, or even avoiding, which only makes things worse and can potentially damage the relationship. The good news is that even where disagreements escalate to outright conflicts, we can take a step back.
It can be downright uncomfortable to tell someone that you see things differently, especially with a willingness to listen to their perspective and acknowledge that our “truth” may not be accurate. This does not mean that we have to sell out or compromise our own basic principles.
I know all too well how incredibly difficult it can be to willingly admit when we’re wrong. But I’ve also learned that if I always need to be right, that makes the other person wrong. This only discounts their perspectives and feelings, which doesn’t bode well for any relationship.
When we can instead cultivate a habit of seeking out perspectives that differ from our own with a curiosity about our own blind spots, we can create deeper and more satisfying relationships, both personally and professionally.
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