The Right Way To “Win” in the Divorce Process

Going through a divorce can make already hurt and angry feelings worse.  It can therefore be tempting to show your spouse that he or she is “wrong” and that you are “right.”

It’s important to remember that getting a divorce is not at all like playing a baseball game – there is no actual “winner.”  Very few, if any, cases result in one of you cheerfully skipping out of the court house at the end of a divorce trial.  In fact, when you give up control over your outcome to a judge, both of you lose the ability to choose how you want your case resolved.

Not to mention when you make it your goal to “hurt” or “get back at” your soon-to- be ex spouse, it can be very costly, both financially and emotionally.  Legal fees are typically much higher and you can lose self- respect and close relationships with your children.  Most importantly, it can have lasting devastating emotional effects on your children.

Ideally, you should allow yourself to feel anger and hurt before you enter the divorce process by taking advantage of the many resources available to help you.  For instance, you can seek out a competent counselor or coach that you trust to help you work through your difficult emotions and establish priorities.

You will therefore be more likely to focus on what matters most to you and what you ideally want to achieve in the divorce process.  This will help you to listen to understand what your spouse needs so that you can settle your issues through creative negotiation.  It is possible – and certainly more productive – to assertively communicate what you want without being aggressive or hostile.  You might also find that your goals and interests are similar to those of your spouse, such as preserving your children’s relationships with both parents.
Remember, when you have children together, you remain connected to your soon-to-be ex through your children.  There will be graduations, weddings, baby showers, grandchildren, and so on for many, many years to come.  Therefore, instead of attacking your co-parent, it would be far more productive and meaningful for your children if you work together to create a mutually agreeable resolution.
As a result, you really can “win” in the divorce process!

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